// hi it is 90 degrees outside and im sittin on the floor eating lettuce and feeling miserable!
// I added a sites page linking other neocities pages i like. i have too many tabs in my browser but i dont wanna forget those! it's also my brother's birthday. i made him a cake b/c my mom was working. we're going to dinner in an hour. maybe i'll work on this more tonight but im not sure.
// i've been working on the site, i learned about css elements? (is that what they're called?) i'm trying to figure out how to make it look nice,,, this page is unformatted but it exists at least. it's raining outside, it's really nice :)
// i haven't done much work on the site for the past two days :/ i just haven't really been feeling it. i guess i'll start formatting some of the side pages now.
// i started my summer asl class yesterday. i was so tired i didn't want to work on the site :(. but i'm almost finished with the online puzzle i've been doing for a few days so once i finish that i can get back to the site. i also did one over the weekend(2000 pieces irl). i'm trying to get a summer job but i haven't had any luck yet. i need to apply to more places. i also need to call planned parenthood to schedule an appointment to start hrt. and also my regular doctor cause i haven't had a checkup in about 4 years. anyways i have to go back to class. bye for now.
// i'm so tired T-T im meeting my irl friends tommorrow but i feel so exhausted from class i almost wanna tap out. but i'll stick to it. it'll be nice to see them.
// goddd i'm so bored. i really don't wanna do my asl homework. theres something irritating me but im actually not gonna talk about it cause i don't need to justify myself and my choices to someone who will never see me. *yawns* anyways i wish i had gotten to experience more of the old web but my childhood caretaker was pretty abusive and basically refused to let me have freedom. i also have barely any memories of then but i do have 2 definitive experiences on web 1.0. kinda? i was obssessed with the warrior cats forums from like... 2009? to 2012?? idk the time frame exactly but i know i was a kid then. and my other experience is deadass from like 2017-present but i count it cause it's a relic of an older time. hmm... idk if i should say the name (like ethics-wise). but i've been a member of uh... an infamous eating disorder forum that is progressively deteriorating. but i have fun there.
// ok continuing on from last entry. i have a deep fascination with eating disorders and also with self-harming. i've been trying my best to find any old sites related to self-harm, specifically cutting because i'm SOOOOO curious what it was like then when things were more private and less sanitized. sh and ed communities on public sites ARE fascinating as well but the bar for entry to these places is non-existent so theres a lot more... useless stuff.
// sorry i haven't posted an entry in a while, i've been really tired. anyways, i don't think i've mentioned why i'm making this site. well it's just to learn html/css, i learn best through doing. now the reason i want to learn that is because i actually have a real website i want to make, not a random shit post personal site, but one that will host a project i've wanted to make for a long time. i'm studying linguistics and one of my favorite parts is phonetics! however there's a lack of good, phonetic information regarding actual pronunciation. i want to record and compile data and create a free phonetic dictionary of english! american english to start but eventually, i want to expand to other varieties! i think it'd be very useful for a lot of ppl in the linguistics field! and it'd also just be really cool to look at.
// man, making a website is tiring... school is tiring too but i like learning asl so it's okay. i'm just tired i guess ;m;. i think i should figure out somewhere on the main page to say 'new diary entry' not that people are dying to know if i, hikikomourning dot neocities dot org uploaded a new diary entry but i think it's a better philosphy to assume people are looking at this site than not? as in, i don't want to be lazy or have a non-intuitive site just because people aren't gonna see it. i'm normally pretty lazy but i guess i feel like if i'm gonna do something it has to be done well. i'm pretty lucky cause my dad is a compsci guy so i have someone to ask for guidence, i try not to overuse him but it's nice to have someone who can at least suggest what to look up. search engines are a struggle T-T
// last night it was announced technoblade died. i don't know where else to talk about it so here i go. i started watching him in spring 2019, and loved him. he was hilarious, the perfect mix of self-deprecating and bragacious, and he was only a year older than i was. he loved minecraft, was a college student, was pretty introverted in real life, and he had adhd. i felt comforted, knowing there was at least one other person just like me. in august of 2019, my toxic ex-girlfriend and i finally broke up, and i consequently lost all of my close friends, and felt hopeless. in the next few months, i threw myself into minecraft to cope, i played the game to have something to do, and i watched youtubers to have something to smile about. technoblade was one of them, and because of him i got through it. he saved my life back then. thank you, technoblade, thank you so much. i'll never forget you, the blood god, the potato king. technoblade will never die, he'll live in our hearts and on the internet forever. and just because i haven't seen it mentioned yet, convincing the whole internet your name was dave was the funniest prank. thank you for making me laugh one last time.
// weeee im on vacation! near the beach! the water is actually very cold and also i've been sick for the past 5 days but its okie dokie, im starting to feel better. i also finished my class so thats good. i just get to chill and hopefully my job will get back to me and give me hours again. when i get back home im gonna start on the phonetic dictionary :3 k bye.
// found out my job fired me this week. i mean they did it in april but i only found out this week. L, i really liked it too. i reapplied but they're not hiring rn so im on stand-by. but as soon as they're hiring im gonna do it, it was fun! the job was taking inventory, very mindless, perfect for my little pea brain :3 i brought this up because the company is doing inventory at a store near me RIGHT NOW!! i saw them and i was soooo jealous. i need cash :(
// i've been off my adhd meds and im strggling
// man i definitely didn't forget i was making a website and disappear for several months that would be sooo embarrassing... unless? but yea. i actually didn't forget persay, its more that my interest in this waned (and then i forgot). sorry, but that is the way of the adhd creature. um so what's new with me? well i got a new job! manual labor! i really liked it, it was super early in the morning 5 days a week and only 4-5 hours each day. it was nice having a whole day in front of me to do stuff. buttt then i went back to college. pro: its supposed to be my last semester. con: ive fucked up. ughh i missed work and im still missing work and i just dont feel motivated. but im so close to finishing that its like. well i have to now but i want to be done already... ugh.
// it's kind of pathetic. i just want to be a part of the world. i want to be connected. but i just cant open myself up to it. i know i'm not good at the social dance but i've seen how people who aren't good at it are treated. i'm just like them and i know we deserve it. i can see from the other side how unerving we are. and i know it's pitiful when you want to be accepted so clearly and yet can't achieve that. can't really achieve that. i can just... carefully avoid participating. i can gender myself as quiet and feminine because a socially clumsy girl is less shameful than a too enthusiastic man. i always do this. i linger with the intent to vent my feelings but i'm actually just reaffirming my worldview. i'm reminding myself i'm right so i don't change. i don't know what to do. i can't keep living like this. i'm miserable.